Where Damon Stoudamire gets his pot.

Monday, February 16, 2009

One Two

One of the more obvious video selections in the short history of The Cold Draft.

How hilarious was this dance from Shaq? For the duration of his routine I kept thinking "This should be winding down soon." And then it kept going. In all of its 350-pound shockingly-rhythmic glory.

A sexy dance from Nate Robinson:

Nate's pre-game warm-up:

Next season they should have a dance-off on All-Star Saturday night. Lebron can break some nice moves, Dwight Howard and Shaq are obvious choices, and you'd even get an awkward white guy like David Lee or Dirk Nowitzki to attempt 'The Worm'. Can't miss television. All-Star Saturday night needs a circus-like competition of ridiculous consequence. Somewhat like the Barkley/Bavetta race from a couple years back. That race had nothing to do with basketball skill and neither does a dance competition. If you're gonna purposely ham it up with telephone booths, costumes, and fake posturing, you might as well give us some sanctioned dancing.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

The Meadowlands

Let's take a quick step into the Martlet columns.

Here is the first, in which I attempt to make the argument that Bosh will leave in two years. Does the Marion trade change that? Meh, not really. Marion's contract is expiring, he's aged significantly over the past two seasons, and he doesn't make them a playoff-bound NBA squad. Some problems get patched up, others pop up. This is one of those cases. The Raps get much better at SF and get to attempt a Suns-like game approach. However, they lose a post player and bring in a character with questionable locker room attributes.

This other column is from a couple weeks back. The thrust of the article is that the fans are terrible at voting for the All-Star Game. I mean, Iverson and Stoudemire are certainly not the best at their respective positions in their respective conferences. And Bruce Bowen and Yi Jianlian were nearly voted in. AI and STAT are one thing, but the Chairmen represents a level of futility unacceptable for the game. After a couple weeks of separation from the article's release I feel strange about the argument. You can't take voting away from the fans. Stern depends on the Game/Fan relationship too much for the coaches to take those starting votes away. Yet the Bowen thing, especially, registers a furrowed eyebrow.

(Jianlian, on the other hand, doesn't surprise when you've got a nation 1.4 billion strong supporting you. In a sense, it's almost pathetic he couldn't get the votes. Shouldn't Yao-Jianlian be finishing one-two?)

Did Rudy Embarrass all of us White People?

I really don't think so. He finished one point behind JR Smith for last place. Yet both of his dunks were decent. Nothing great, however. The second, disregarding the first eight attempts in which Pau tried some cheeky passes, looks like a dunk that semi-updates the Iguodala/Howard dunk (this time a reverse) and packs a good amount of flair and style. The first was lesser Rex Chapman, a fact pointed out by Kenny 'The Jet' Smith.

Which Brings Me to this Video:

Aside from Nate's dunks - and Nate being a deserved Slam Dunk Champion - listen to Smith and Reggie Miller disagree with each other continually. Did the producers of the show say "Hey Reggie, spice things up a little and say the opposite of everything Smith says?" Or was there a bizarre competition between them as to who the Great Basketball Analyst was? Initially my thoughts were leaning towards the latter. Throughout the telecast, if they weren't arguing with each other over "tactics" for the games, they were calling each other out for failed predictions or whatever else they could dig up.

Now I realize that Miller must've felt a little pressure for taking the Chuckster's place at the head table. Maybe pressure is the wrong word. Miller was a crunch-time player, so a broadcasting situation shouldn't faze him. But filling the role that Barkley brings - ie. hilarity and insight in equal doses - comes down to personality and intelligence, neither of which Miller can fake.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Thunder Dan

Reggie miller couldn't analyze his way out of a wet paper bag. Charles Barkley is sorely missed from this telecast. An example:

-Referring to Kevin Durant as Kevin Garnett, as in "Kevin Garnett was fantastic in the Rookie/Sophomore game last name." When Kevin Harlin is calling you out on basic NBA facts, this is not good for your broadcasting career.

Miller's oratory is on the opposite end of the spectrum as Barack Obama.

Good lord, they're promo-ing a Britney Spears song for the All-Star Events! C'mon TNT, just buy the rights to some songs from A Tribe Called Quest, Mos Def, De La Soul, etc. It would fit much better with 90s pseudo-indie conscious rap seeing as basketball fans are often into this type of music. Plus it's catchy and not something on the playlist of a 12-year-old girl.

Lisa Leslie has a terrible shot. There's this awkward hitch in the middle of the release.

"They gotta make it in." Wise words from Miller. As instructions for what you need to do to win this bizarre competition where an NBA player is teamed with a WNBA player and a former NBA star and they take a variety of shots. Whoever is in charge of All-Star weekend, and it's probably Stern, really thinks this lame shooting competition is fantastic. I guess it's the only time an NBA player sees a WNBA player during the calendar year.

Michael Cooper and Bill Laimbeer have both hit half-court shots. That's the reason why this competition doesn't involve skill. Laimbeer has the body of an elderly poker player.

Barbosa has no mid-range game.

It's so forced when the NBA player, retired guy, and WNBA player fake cheer with one another after they make the hall-courter. As if they're old buddies from the schoolyard. Except David Robinson's still nearly two feet taller than whoever the WNBA player is. Tim Duncan could be baked right now (highly unlikely) and it wouldn't matter what happens in the competition.

Rip Hamilton is by far the worst player endorsed by Jordan Brand. This difference between him, at this point, and Joe Johnson , is a wide chasm of talent. But hey, it's gotta be nice for his ego.

Gotta love the ball boy who nearly jumped in the way of bounce pass from Mo Williams. That was the difference between Williams going ahead of Harris for the final round.

The end of the NBA Cares spiel was almost cut-off by Kevin Harlin lauching into a "The Three-Point competition continues after this commercial break!"

Reggie Miller's "Homer" Count: 5.

Chris Tucker has apparently gained 100 pounds.

Adonal Foyle was given a seat behind Kapono in the stands. Ah, the perks of being Adonal Foyle.

A message to Dwayne Wade: You don't need to rock the Nelly-style band-aid under your eye. Plus the band-aid matches your sweater. Who the hell is your stylist? My guess is a girlfriend. Nobody else could possibly convince him (well, probably an agent).

Dwayne Wade and Lebron James might have a competition between them to see who can wear the weirdest clothing.

Dwight Howard is quite a bizarre guy.

I hope Rudy doesn't embarrass all the white people in the building.

Howard's theatrics are way too planned-out, however spectacular the dunk is. Having Stern on the phone, getting into the phone booth - this is all too prop comedy for me.

Nate is about six inches shorter than Cheryl Miller. Miller is 6-foot-2 , thus making Robinson 5-foot-8.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

State Trooper

Must say that I vehemently disagree with Tony Kornheiser and Mike Wilbon's lauding of Kobe's 61 points at MSG as some kind of "statement" game now that Bynum, like last season, is on the fritz.

I agree with the fact that his performance was monumental and ranks with MSG's finest. But if I were the San Antonio Spurs - or any other Western squad looking to compete with a more vulnerable Lakers franchise - this is exactly what I want.

How were Kobe's other numbers? 3 assists and 0 rebounds. Hardly inspiring.

Kobe gets the benefit of the doubt since Odom and Gasol each pulled down 14 rebounds. But somebody else last night (and someone who wasn't in the Garden) pulled down one greater. It was Tim Duncan, who put up an impressive 32 points and 15 rebounds in a win over Golden State.

Maybe the Lakers simply didn't need Kobe's rebounding services. But I can tell you one thing - Odom and Gasol aren't pulling down that many against Duncan and Kurt Thomas.

And another thing: Kobe won't be getting 20 free throws against the San Antonio Spurs. He'll be lucky to exceed 12 on any night of a seven-game series. (Another note is that the Lakers were playing the New York Knicks who, while improved, are still one year removed from the Isiah Thomas-era.)

This is exactly the type of one-man basketball other teams want the Lakers to play. Remember the Lakers pre-Bynum-and-Gasol? Kobe had enough skill to will them into the playoffs, but when the Phoenix Suns had the Lakers for a best-of-seven series, they were able to expose how thin those teams were.

I'm not saying the Lakers are nearly as thin as those squads from a few years back, but a one-man Lakers attack can't possibly be seen as a good approach from a highly-talented team most successful when players aside from Kobe can alleviate his pressure by assuming a more integral role in production.