Where Damon Stoudamire gets his pot.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Oliver Miller: sadly one of the better players in early Raptors history.

Strangely Shawn Kemp has made two sightings on this blog in its first week (which is about two more sightings than he's made to his children, but I digress...), so I thought I'd share an excerpt from Paul Shirley's Can I Keep My Jersey?:

"During one of our first four preseason games, I found myself on the court with Shawn Kemp. He was wearing an Orlando Magic uniform, which was odd - Shawn Kemp will always wear a Sonics uniform in my mind. But the strangest aspect of Kemp's appearance was not his uniform. It was what was under it. Shawn Kemp is huge. And not huge like tall and strong - huge like Oliver Miller. Huge like Chris Farley, post-Saturday Night Live and pre-overdose. Kemp is listed at 280 pounds in the media guide, but he looks a lot bigger than that. I think they weighed him on the moon."

Shawn Kemp will remain a subject of fascination for hoops fans for three reasons: (a) few players have possessed as much raw talent and power as Kemp; (b) few men outside of a polygamist ranch have fathered as many children by as many women; and (c) like Bo Jackson, Kemp is firmly entrenched within the pantheon of transcendent video game characters. Picking the Sonics in NBA Jam was like injecting Secretariat with steroids prior to the Kentucky Derby - any opponent wouldn't have the physical tools to keep up.

On a slightly dissimilar note, I've been thinking of ways to bring Kemp back into the media. Some may call them exploitive, but hey, he'd be paid for his services, and frankly, Kemp needs all the money he can get, hence the dozens of failed come-back attempts with a myriad of NBA and European teams. (His agent: "I swear to God, he's lost weight!") Most of my ideas involve VH1-style television series. The first is simple: a drinking competition between Kemp and Vin Baker. If Darius Miles can't find a team by November, then we'll bring him on board. Really all you need is a room, a couple (rented) cameras, a table, two chairs, and about three 26 oz. bottles of hard liquor. The budget could squeak in under $200.

There are more ideas in hand, but most of them involve A Night at the Roxbury-style clubbing with Kemp & Baker to Scott Baio-esque redemptive tales of monogamy.

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